Q: What do you call Indian food 3 hours after eating it?
-- Sean
A: Doody.
spacebot - 6:55 PM
Monday, December 02, 2002
Q: Why do I have a sloping forehead?
-- Norman (spacebot's boss)
A: The simple answer to that is that you are not fully evolved. Here are the first three characteristics of Homo Neanderthalensis:
• cranial capacity of 1,300-1,750ml
• double arch brow ridge
• sloping forehead
And here are the first three characteristics of the Anatomically Modern Homo sapiens (AMHS):
• cranial capacity of 1400m
• vertical forehead
• "small" brow ridge
As you can plainly see, your sloping forehead means that you have a step or two to go before joining the ranks of us vertical forehead, small brow ridge "man who thinks" humanoids. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Mr. Bossman.
spacebot - 12:25 PM
Monday, July 29, 2002
Q: Why do people avoid talking about death while they are really high?
-- Josh
A: Whoa. Yeah, I know what you mean... and I avoid that type of conversation when I'm intoxicated, as well. When you're high, you're in better touch with the thoughts in your subconscious. Thinking about your mortality when you have the ability to really ponder the reality of it can cause paranoia or depression, which will ruin a good, happy buzz and turn it into a bad, uncomfortable one. It's more fun to just listen to music and escape.
spacebot - 1:37 PM
Thursday, April 18, 2002
Q: How come you password protected your weblog? How can I get a username/password?
-- everyone
A: I wanted to know everyone who can read it (to keep lurking and spying to a minimum), and getting a username/pass is simple. Just email me, and I'll be happy to give you a username/password as long as I know you and trust that you can keep your password to yourself. Simple as that!
spacebot - 3:31 PM
Saturday, February 23, 2002
Q: Why is it that a guy will spend 9 months trying to get out of the womb, and
the rest of his life trying to get right back in?
-- Blue
A: Well, as cute as that line may be, I don't agree with it at all. Let me break it down for you...
First of all, ask your mother about being in labour with you. I'm sure she'll tell you, "you just didn't want to come out!" That is what I hear most mothers say about having babies. So, assuming that the entire 9 months is spent "trying to get out" is ludicrous. If I remember correctly, it was quite comfy in there!
And second of all, this may be a "deeper" question than how I'm perceiving it, but if you mean that guys just like to get right back to that pussy, then "womb" would be the wrong word to use. Not even Ron Jeremy can slam his unit into a woman's uterus.
So, there you have it. Silly puns are silly puns.
spacebot - 2:58 PM
Tuesday, January 08, 2002
Q: How come, despite my attempts to be a perfect gentleman, I get no loving from the ladies? All I want is a person to spend time with a provide a constant source of cuddling, but I have come up short for quite a long time. Any advice?
-- Rory
A: Since my readers don't know who you are, I will conveniently link to a photo. I agree that you are a perfect gentleman, which leads me to a reasonable conclusion... cut your hair and shave the scruffy. And yeah... too much metal in the mouth! I believe that by at least trying a bit of that advice will increase your desireablity more than you would think. In fact... I may just chop your hair when you're not looking next time I see you, since you're too nice to hate me for it. You said so yourself!
spacebot - 12:42 PM
Friday, January 04, 2002
Q: I respect my co-worker's right to eat meat. However, she does not respect my vegetarism. The office smells of meat. Not the occasional hamburger; this morning (morning!) was fish. (FISH!)
She is an asset to the company, despite her personality conflicts with everyone. I don't want an enemy. Changing work stations, unfortunately, isn't an option. How can I handle this in a ladylike way?
Signed,
I can't hear you, I'm holding my nose.
A: I would recommend that you begin by politely informing her of your vegetarianism, and asking if she could please cook/eat her breakfast/lunch in the break room instead of at her desk if her meal involves a heavy odour. If she is an understanding person, this should solve the problem.
However, if she is rude in her response to this, I would nod my head and wait a day or two... After that time, turn to her and ask, "Do you like the smell of vomit?" When she looks at you with disgust and says, "no!", you will then reply (in a non-threatening and non-mean way), "Then I suggest that you take your fried innards to the break room, or the unfortunate occurance may happen where both of us will have to smell what grosses us out most. I honestly do have a weak stomach."
spacebot - 3:57 PM
Wednesday, January 02, 2002
Q: Why is it that a train conductor never spends a good portion of his shift wondering if he will meet with trains B, C, or D if his train is going at 75 m.p.h., and each of those trains are passing through the west coast doing roughly 85 m.p.h., and none of those trains are making any additional stops...well...except for Train R because it passed through Wisconsin? How come all he cares about is an overpriced sheet of paper printed out by a third-rate plotter that is probably programmed and managed by some overpaid CS major drop out from a state university?
Also, do you think that if some other intelligent being decides to "drop in" on us and he/she/it decides to copy our transit system, can the entire nation sue over this copywritten/patent infringement?
Happy 2k2 spacebot!!!
I have no idea where all these crazy thoughts came from.
-- J.Z.
A: Okay, Z-man... to answer part A of your question, I have also wondered about possible train collisions due to the wandering minds of various conductors... particularly when passing through the areas where septa and amtrak meet. While fighting with a conductor over whether or not he will accept your pocketful of Susan B. Anthony silver dollars which was poured out in change from the machine since you used the only bill you had... a $50, the same thing could be happening on Train C. And if so, I'm sure the hundreds of dead passengers' families will also debate the value of that overpriced piece of glossy paper.
On to part B of your question, my old friend. Your sarcasm shines, as usual! And as I hope that you are well aware (perhaps not?), that there are many other cities in this world outside the US with a far superior transit system than ours... (London and Toronto come to mind) but they all use similar basic features, which is what I assume you are referring to. So in that case, our "nation" as a whole suing these intelligent life forms would not be as lucrative as if all of the major cities using this technology were to go in on a joint lawsuit. However... that would most likely involve some serious financial loss in the way of inter-planetary vehicles, fuel, etc. And who is to say that they will want to abide with our copyright laws and even our legal systems in general? This would turn into an intergalactic war that could easily become ugly. I'd say let them copy our stupid subway systems. It just isn't worth it!
spacebot - 4:24 PM
Monday, December 31, 2001
Q: What do you do when you are so afraid that your current boyfriend is gonna cheat on you with someone else that you get jealous when he spends time alone with his friends?
-- Jessica
A: So sorry that I took so long to reply! However, in the amount of time that I put off updating ask spacebot!, you have answered this question on your own. Seeing as though I consider your husband (not boyfriend) to be a friend of mine, I knew that your paranoia was unjustified... mostly because relationship paranoia only comes when a person feels guilt for feelings they possess or actions they may be trying hard to cover up. I hope for your own sake that you will eventually become more honest with yourself and whomever you end up with. As for your husband, he has only ever treated you with respect. Remember that.
spacebot - 12:47 PM
Q: Why does week old pizza always taste better than fresh pizza?
-- Leah
A: Just like your grandpa grows wiser (and more stinky) with age, so does cheese. Also, the more times you re-heat pizza, the crispier the crust gets, which gives it more of an old school cafeteria-style consistency. Some people prefer this, and in my opinion, a lot of those "gourmet" pizza places try to recreate this phenomenon with their fancy little coal ovens. You have some fine taste, my friend!
spacebot - 12:33 PM
Q: Why do girls have unspoken rules and then get offended when men break them?
-- Mike
A: The key word you used was "girls". You must be dating some immature women if they feel the need to play games. Some women don't understand that men are not mind readers. Assertive women are most sexy. The trick is to closely observe a potential date and her mannerisms prior to getting involved on such a level. We're not all that annoying.
spacebot - 12:28 PM
